The Ten Worst Zep Songs

[billo@xxxxxxxxxx (Bill O'Neil)]

Hey, kids!

I decided to post the difinitive list of Zeppelin's ten worst songs.  I'm
talking about Zeppelin's dogs here, or piles of their droppings, the do-do,
the crap, the stuff that Jim-Bob's Country Jug Band might have written
during a session that featured bad moonshine, cheap guitars, and sexy Bobby
Sue in all her buck-toothed glory relaxing on the couch.

What?

Each of these ten earns the coveted "skip" award, as in the skip button on
your CD player.  The prestigous trophy looks like a ">>".

Really, I'm doing this to piss everyone off, and maybe get a few yuks.  If
you're sensitive, skip or delete now.

10. Thank You --  Admittedly, when played live this song tried to rock, at
least it did every once it a while.  The BBC version is great... for the
first few seconds.  It then rapidly deteriorates into the same dumb love
song wherein the hardest-rocking guys in show biz play like
barbituate-loaded Lawrence Welk Band devotees.  The one song on Zep II that
receives the "skip" button every time.

9.  The Crunge -- The boys took "Play that Funky Music White Boy" a little
too seriously.  Unfortunately, applying one's brain to a funk riff can only
fuck it up.  Funk is music of the crotch, and The Crunge falls somewhat
short; music of the toes, maybe.

8.  I'm Gonna Crawl --  The last song in the (non-postumous) catalogue.
Zep should've stopped with All My Love.  Crawl, indeed... as far from your
speakers as possible.  Unfortunately, you can't skip this one, because it's
last.  Maybe it earns the even-more-coveted "Disc Skip" award.

7.  Boogie With Stu --  Okay, so they had a a double album to fill.
Fortunately, the skip button works on double CDs, too.

6.  South Bound Suarez --  It's a shame Jimmy Page took so much smack,
because that left him all too easy a target for Satan-in-Muttonchops, aka
John Paul Jones.  As a result, we, the fans, are left with drivel like
this.

5.  Hats Off to Roy Harper --  Zeppelin has a well-deserved reputation for
ripping off other artists, and nowhere is this more apparent than in Hats
Off.  Can you see it?  Jimmy:  "Robert, I'm going to play a bunch of atonal
slide scrapes.  You sing a bunch of old blues standards."  Robert:  "Okay,
Jimmy."  Wow, what devastating way to close the otherwise superb Zep III.
Another "Disc Skip" winner.

4-3-2.  What I call the "Presence Suite": Royal Orleans, Candy Store Rock,
and Hots on for Nowhere.  They say necessity is the mother of invention; in
this case the *need* to skip so many songs begat the programmable CD
player.  The "good" stuff on this album is hardly enough to offset the
"skip" winners.  "Oh, baby, baby" I'll just listen to another album
instead.

And number one....

1.  Hot Dog --  More like "Cold Turkey."  Smack addled Page could barely
play it.  Live versions reveal Page missing approximately every note, which
makes me wonder how many takes this "fun little song" took in the studio.
Probably seemed funny at the time, but twenty years later it's about as
funny as the old joke about the Priest, the Rabbi and the Polack.


Please send me all the accolades and hate mail you can muster.

Bye,

Bill O'Neil
Venice, CA, USA
Maker's Mark is mother's milk